Authentic Relating: Learning to Stay With Ourselves While We’re With Others
Johannes Vermeer — Woman Holding a Balance (c. 1664)
Most people do not go looking for something called Authentic Relating. They find it sideways. Social interactions may leave you feeling unseen, empty, or lacking depth. A relationship or friendship that once felt alive now feels somehow stuck, interactions seem to remain at the surface. Conversations feel more transactional or heavier than they should. Social interactions, conversations with friends, family, lovers, or spouses may be thoughtful, even well-intentioned, yet there's a sense that something important seems to be missing.
Often the question underneath it all is quiet and difficult to phrase: What would it be like to be myself with other people fully and have others do the same, without anyone needing to adjust, withdraw, or perform a role?
Authentic Relating, often shortened to AR, grew out of that question. It is a set of interpersonal practices that focus on how people relate in real time. The emphasis is simple but demanding. Notice what is happening in you as it happens, and allow some of that to be known in relationship. This is explored through simple, structured conversational games and exercises that make these moments easier to notice and stay with.
At the center of the practices is attention. In ordinary social life, attention is scattered. Part of it tracks the other person. Part of it monitors tone, posture, timing, and effect. Another part anticipates how things might land or go wrong. Expectations of self-judgments or judgments of others form over time and we change how we are in the moment to try and achieve or avoid a certain judgment that lives in our own heads, and so we become disconnected from what actually is us in the moment. This splitting becomes normal. It feels like “just how conversation works.” Authentic Relating slows the pace enough for that split to become visible. People begin to sense what it is like to stay oriented to their own experience while remaining in contact with someone else.
This often starts with learning to notice small things. Sensations in the body. A tightening or a softening. An impulse to speak, agree, withdraw, change the subject, or perhaps notice an expectation or judgments we are holding. Rather than treating these signals as distractions, AR treats them as information. Saying “I notice tension as you say that” or “I feel a pull to nod even though I’m unsure” is not meant as a confession. It is a way of bringing lived experience into the room so it can be seen and felt together.
People are drawn to this work for many reasons. Some feel lonely even in close relationships. Others have learned to smooth themselves over so well that they no longer know where they end and others begin. Some distrust their own perceptions and rely heavily on external cues. Others recognize the same patterns repeating, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, withdrawal, and want to understand what keeps happening. Often there is a desire for deeper connection paired with uncertainty about how to move toward it without effort or performance.
Authentic Relating works by shifting how people meet experience, not by fixing behavior. Because the practices happen in live interaction, relationships begin to function as mirrors. Habits that stay hidden in daily life become visible and conscious. A person can feel where they disappear, where they push, where they tense, where they lean away from uncertainty or judgment. This feedback does not arrive as analysis. It arrives through contact.
Honesty plays an important role here, but it is a particular kind of honesty. The focus stays on what is present rather than on recounting stories or discharging emotion. People practice speaking what is true for them while staying grounded and connected. Discomfort is allowed to exist without being rushed toward resolution. Alongside this seriousness, there is often unexpected warmth and moments of lightness. Over time, this builds a quiet resilience. Participants learn that they can remain in relationship even when things feel awkward, incomplete, or unclear.
One of the more subtle shifts appears outside the practice space. Authentic Relating does not usually show up as something people consciously apply in daily conversation. It shows up as a change in awareness, tone, and timing. Many people notice they speak more directly, with fewer qualifiers. They sense their boundaries earlier, before resentment gathers momentum, they own their experience, and name their assumptions. Conversations take less effort. There is less replaying afterward, less need to check how things went.
Conflict changes shape as well. It does not vanish, but it becomes less charged. Tension can be named sooner. Disagreement feels less threatening. Saying “something feels off here” becomes possible without needing to defend a position. This often has a noticeable effect in intimate relationships and long-standing dynamics where habits have settled in deeply.
Perhaps the most lasting shift is internal. People begin to trust their own perceptions more readily. Subtle signals carry weight again. Decisions about work, relationships, and direction feel cleaner, even when certainty is absent. The gap between what is felt and what is expressed narrows, not through effort, but through familiarity with staying present.
For someone attending an Authentic Relating event for the first time, the experience is usually quieter than expected. A facilitator explains the structure and agreements, with an emphasis on choice and consent. Exercises may happen in pairs, small groups, or a circle. Participants are invited to notice and share aspects of their present-moment experience. Passing is always an option. Silence is treated as part of the process rather than something to fix.
What many people notice during an event is a slowing down. Internal noise softens. Sensations and emotions come into clearer focus. There may be moments of ease or recognition, alongside moments of discomfort that feel workable. People often leave feeling more grounded and more real, with a sense that less effort is required to stay connected.
Authentic Relating does not offer a promise of smoothness or certainty. What it tends to offer is a way of staying closer to what is actually happening. As that becomes familiar, conversations feel less managed. Decisions feel less tangled. Some relationships deepen, others loosen their grip, and the process continues in the middle of ordinary life, one interaction at a time.
I facilitate monthly Authentic Relating and Circling events in Pensacola, FL. If you’re local or visiting, join us. You can find more info out here. If you are not in the area, I will start hosting these online soon, so stay tuned.
If you’re interested in my work as a philosophical guide for personal or business needs, or if you have a question about authentic relating, feel free to email me. I look forward to speaking with you.
